Insecurity, lack of confidence and low self-esteem are feelings which most people experience at some points in their lives. These feelings may be transient and the individual can pick themselves up again and move on..
Our self-confidence and self-esteem are closely linked. If our self-esteem gets punctured, we then lack confidence. Healthy self-esteem is about how we value our-self and should not be affected by what we perceive others think or feel about us. As our self-esteem plummets, so does our confidence in social situations. We then may feel invisible, disconnected, lost and powerless. There appears to be an uncomfortable gap between how we are inside, how we would like to be and how we show ourselves to others. We may be preoccupied with worry about how to be with others as we are overtly concerned with how others see us – we care too much what others think of us. Therefore, we tend to prefer to show ourselves as we would like to be seen, rather than as who we really are.
We may have learnt to go along with things, comply with what others want, yet secretly resent it, because we are forsaking who we really are by not living truthfully. Fearing criticism or rejection, we opt compulsively to please others, needing to seek approval, often frustratingly at the cost of our own hopes, dreams or desires. In our relationships we may allow ourselves to be undermined, becoming compliant, apologising and going along with things.
Sometimes we can switch between these two extremes: compliant on the outside, flashes of anger on the inside, often misdirecting it against our partner; this is how low self-esteem can affect our relationships, if we behave in self-destructive ways. We may feel envious or rageful towards people who we believe are superior to us or jealous of the attention they are getting. We may feel frustrated because we are not living up to our full potential. We may allow previous experiences, wounds or failures to make us doubt our future abilities. When we are captured by doubt, we find it hard to believe in any solutions. Making the choice to trust ourselves may be a challenge. The therapy can support you in moving towards your own self-trust and encouragement, so that other possibilities can open up.
We all need recognition for our internal growth, yet when we become over-dependent and continuously seek approval from others by compromising our own way of being in the world, we are then loyal to others, but not ourselves; this feeds into our low self-esteem. Searching for direction, we may have become overly dependent on guidance from others, struggling to trust our own sense of agency. We may have difficulties being in touch with our own hopes, dreams and desires, prefering to follow external authorities, yet not feeling comfortable with that – helping to strengthen you in expolring and finding your own path in life may be part of the work in the counselling and psychotherapy.
Being shy and sensitive for some of us can be so painful and limiting in our relationships, work and social situations – the therapy can offer support for our vulnerabilities and help explore the root causes. Fear of failure, or overtly worrying about outcomes or what people think of us can inhibit our approach to life and its challenges. We may define who we are by our performance or the outcome, rather than our effort or ability to be in the moment, relaxing and quietly enjoying something without constantly believing we are missing out on something. Ppsychotherapy can be supportive and alongside you with these struggles.
We may be feeling emotionally insecure, nervous or uneasy, believing ourselves to be inadequate, especially when we compare ourselves with others. When we are feeling insecure, we may be shy, persecuted and become withdrawn and avoidant or controlling. This may lead to isolation and alienation.
More deeply rooted feelings of low self-esteem are present when we cannot recognise our own value as a person. The signs of low self esteem are different for everyone. They could include some of the following:
- not feeling good enough.
- not feeling likeable.
- not feeling successful.
- feelings of anxiety and depression.
- making self-disparaging remarks.
- unable to accept compliments.
- difficulty saying ‘no’ to others, need to be liked.
- comparing yourself negatively to others.
- feeling powerless and helpless.
- needing a lot of reassurance.
- being easily influenced by others.
- excessively seeking to please or receive praise or attention
- being withdrawn or uncommunicative.
- being over-sensitive, taking things to heart.
- blaming others for our own problems or failures.
Learning to develop trust, putting faith in who we are and in our own path in life may become important to us. Believing in and honouring who we are and our own strengths can be strengthening in itself, supporting us in difficult times. Self-respect, getting back to our core self, honouring our true identity, our honesty and integrity can reflect our values and beliefs without necessarily having to persuade others.
Empowering ourselves in the decisions we make can become important to us, feeling that we have our own agency over our life. The counselling and psychotherapy will help us to feel more comfortable in our own skin, so that we are satisfied with our personality, abilities and limitations; this may build up our confidence so that we are at ease with the relationship we have with ourselves and therefore with our relationship with others. We no longer have to fake a ‘false modesty’, pretending that we are easy-going, that nothing really matters, when in fact it does. The therapy can look at how we can build our confidence, become our own person, empower ourselves so we can be strong inside. Learning to appreciate our own abilities leads to being self-assured and confident through self-acceptance and self-reflection.
We may be seeking more inner freedom, to express ourselves, what we want, how we feel, rather than waiting for permission. Feeling secure enough to take charge of our anxiety to take risks, stepping outside our comfort zone can help us grow and achieve. We may want to change our attitudes, we may be willing to risk learning new things, becoming open to new possibilities, trying them out, practice using them, until they become familiar and our own. Counselling and psychotherapy may help you explore your attitude to risk; you may want to be more in touch with your exploratory sense of curiosity. We may struggle to be assertive, being used to contol or manipulate situations, so that outcomes are predictable and safe.
Some people may be seeking courage to make decisions, act more assertively and be more visible in the world. In the counselling and psychotherapy we may explore how you may improve your confidence, build your self-esteem, develop and nurture a healthy inner life and develop a good relationship with yourself, being more in your own authority, which will help improve your other relationships.
The therapy may include exploring how you can access more of your own resources, creativity and ways you can appreciate, validate, support, assert and nurture yourself, so you don,t end up selling yourself short.
I have had many years experience of helping people improve their self-esteem. Psychotherapy and counselling can help those suffering from low self-esteem and help develop a sense of self to ensure a more fulfilling life. This could include identifying and re-evaluating your negative self-beliefs, reviewing your value system, helping you to develop your own coping strategies and enabling you develop and build relationships..
In some cases low self-esteem could be as a result of a difficult past. This may need to be talked about, negative and difficult feelings and experiences worked through, to encourage a stronger sense of self and develop a stronger identity..
Self-esteem is the extent to which we value ourselves. Good self-esteem is important for us to function in the world. Our self-esteem is made up of how we value ourselves physically, i.e. our image, how we rate our abilities and talents and how we evaluate our successes and failures. It is about valuing and loving ourselves despite our human flaws and imperfections. It is about accepting ourselves just as we are. How can this happen? By taking the opportunity through talking about ourselves to a psychotherapist who will help you to relate more deeply and more fully to yourself; by improving your relationship with yourself, your relationship with others can also improve..so that it will be true self-esteem, i.e. you are not dependent on what otherrs think of you to give yourself value as a person. The relationship with your therapist is also important here and can be explored.
